Clarity

Some things have become clear to me lately.

Some of them became clear today. For instance, it became clear to me that I failed to keep up with my class readings for Building Tech, which I had promised myself I would do after the previous test. Oh, look, the test is tomorrow and I haven't opened the massive textbook since last test. Fail.

Also today, it became clear that I need someone to show me how to link the blog to facebook, because I had no idea anyone had been posting. Now I feel bad, since it has taken me so long to discover everyone's posts.

Also, I discovered that I was right in thinking that if I just got started on making something for my project, I would eventually figure out what I should be making. After working for a while on my design, a much better design concept became clear to me. Hooray. Maybe if I start ahead of time like this on the rest of my projects, they'll all come out better in the end.

Other things have become clear, not today, but still very recently. For example, I figured out that I've been spending a lot of time eating just because I like to eat, and that's really not a good idea. I've been trying to make sure I don't stuff myself just because I like the taste of the food, rather stopping when I am full, and just eating healthier in general.

I've discovered that it's easier to wake up semi-happily and on time when my blinds are open. Having been in a room with no window from 5th grade through the end of high school, I assumed that the more I blocked off my window, the better it would be since I felt like I was in my normal room. But, actually, sunlight is good - I know, it's a weird concept for those of us who typically prefer being awake at night, but it's actually true.

The main one I wanted to focus on is the fact that we have all been changing almost constantly throughout the course of the year. The main thing that made this clear to me was the Fab5 picture that I drew with everyone's "catchphrases". Oddly, many of those weren't entirely applicable only a month or so after they were originally drawn (except mine of course, but there's really not much hope of me suddenly becoming a neat freak and keeping my room spotless...). Still, while I know we will continue to change through the entire course of our lives, I sincerely believe that we have built a friendship that will last to the very end. In the course of just a half-year, you all have become some of the closest friends I have ever had in my entire life. I believe that ours is a friendship that will truly never end!

And now, it is clear that I need to get back to work. :(

Being a Big Sister

I like to make people happy, in general. So when my Little asked me for candy, I asked her what type. She replied "Bottlecaps." Now, for those of you who don't know, though hopefully you do because your life simply cannot be complete without this knowledge, Bottlecaps are amazing. They're a candy the consistency of Tylenol, but they taste like soda. I know, it sounds like a bad combination. But it's not. Trust me. I'd brought her Bottlecaps before. They were in a Wonka mix, which contained Bottlecaps, Nerds, Laffy Taffy, etc. We'd eaten through the mix, but I figured I could go buy her some more. So when I went to get my car's oil changed at Walmart, I figured I would pick some up. Walmart has an entire section devoted to candy. No Bottlecaps could be found. Wonka mixes could be found, but they did not contain the asked-for Bottlecaps. No problem. The next day I went to Target. None there either. The gas station was similarly Bottlecapless. Not sure where else to look, I decided I was a failure. Not because I couldn't find them, but because I had promised I would get them for my Little. I had only been her Big for a few weeks. If I began disappointing her at this point, she might never begin to trust me. So I bought a mix, to temporarily distract her from the missing Bottlecaps. And decided I would devote my time to finding these ever-elusive candies. So as I went on vacation to our nation's great capitol, I was on the lookout. None could be found on the east coast either. Finally, at a Cracker Barrel in Tennessee, I found some. And promptly bought a horrendous amount. And it was so worth it. When I came to visit her today, she ran up to hug me, and then she looked at me and asked, "Candy?" And I replied by handing her a package. And she smiled at me. I love it when little kids smile. . . .

It's funny what you miss when you leave home.

Today I did something I never thought I'd actually want to do. I swept the courtyard outside. I still remember the first time my dad asked me to do it. I thought he was crazy. "Why should I sweep outside?" I remember asking, "There's supposed to be dirt outside!" I don't remember what his answer was, but I do remember that he made me do it anyway. And I never really understood why, but I continued to sweep it when people were coming over. I usually do as little work as possible, so mostly I just did the part between the walkway and the door. Today, I swept the whole courtyard for the first time in heaven knows how long. Somehow, it was comforting, the straw of the broom going "whisk, whisk, whisk" against the old bricks that used to be red-orange and that the sun has bleached and the sand has scoured to a pink-brown. I love that courtyard. Something about it is home, especially when the bricks are warm under my bare feet in the sun, when a cool breeze blows through my hair and the sunshine fills everything up to the brim and then bubbles over in a golden waterfall. I know the way the air smells in the spring now, and the way it will smell in the summer, and the fall, and the winter, and back again. I know the way the sun and the wind and the sky will play out their dance and the way the mountains will always, always be there if I care to look around the white-bricked corner of the garage. So I swept it out, the whole thing, top to bottom and side to side. And I enjoyed it. Because as stupid as it is, as frustrating and pointless and difficult and impermanent as I've always found it, it was something I missed doing. There's something special about sweeping away all the dirt and detritus that collects at the corners, against the house. There may be dirt outside, but there's no reason it should all be in my courtyard. I swept away all the dead leaves, old feathers, and dead bugs that had blown in, all the dirt that had turned into black piles around the edges of the old pink-brown bricks. It was something worth doing. Because it's spring, and that means fall is gone, and winter, and all the dead things are replaced by new ones. After all, what's the point of a leaf rotting on brick where nothing grows? It's warm outside now, enough to eat out in the front in the shade, with a breeze blowing by, cool and gentle. And now the courtyard's ready for it. And it's because I made it so, cleaned out all the old things to make room for new life, for spring and for family and friends and visitors. I did something they've done for generations before me, something they'll do for generations after me. And dead leaves will blow back in, and dirt will collect in the corners, and bugs will crawl in and die. And it'll all be undone. But then I can clean it all out again and have a little more space for life to live. And maybe that's the point.

Slackers

You guys haven't been posting. Losers.
So I am rambling at three thirty as usual. I felt the need to express the fact that Tina is supportive of my new life plan.
Also that I think it's sad that I'm looking to an ipod for moral support.
But she's usually really mean about stuff so maybe it's a good sign that she's all for this?