Despite the fact that I don't really exist, I have been very ill today (nonexistently), and my fever is making me a little... loopy.
So earlier, to an empty bathroom, I shouted, "Why is toilet paper so confusing?!" That's what happens when I go to the bathroom with no glasses on while fever-delirious and try to roll off toilet paper.
The sign in my room that Rachel was kind enough to give me for Christmas last year: "Don't start with me! You won't win!"
Tonight I was explaining to Kathleen how I never lose an argument. If you make any statement, I will come up with a rebuttal. If I have no good rebuttal, I will delve into the realm of metaphysics, which I pretend I know more about than I actually do. It works every time.
Kathleen demonstrating this fact after I told her about it:
"I have to pee."
"Me too."
"No you don't. You don't exist, and neither does your pee."
*in the stalls in the bathroom*
"Kathleen, why did toilet paper confuse me so much earlier?"
"Because you don't exist. Toilet paper is the only thing that exists, so it's allowed to be confusing."
"So there's giant piles of toilet paper floating around in space somewhere?"
"Pretty much. And nothing can destroy them."
"Like cockroaches. Not even nuclear bombs can destroy them. Probably because nuclear bombs don't exist."
"So toilet paper and cockroaches are the only things that really exist... that's just depressing."
The way I get when I'm really really ill is just one of many reasons I don't drink. I never have before, but I would be a really weird drunk. I'm just glad I'm not overtly flirty when I'm sick. Because I probably would be as a drunk. I would totally flirt with that nonexistent, confusing toilet paper if I were to get drunk.
This note has no order. But I'm sharing it with random friends anyway. Loverly.
*nonexistent sneeze*
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